The baby grand piano and fourteen foot high golden Buddha that have both been here forever were stolen from my office! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where the baby grand stood! Until they are returned, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of suppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy to understand color coded crime alert system!

And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities. If I notice a couple of you manage to slip back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, I'll have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to... BLACKWATCH PLAID!

If this gets any worse, I'm gonna raise the warning system from Blackwatch Plaid to the cover of Rush's seminal album Moving Pictures.